So this is me.
After you.
Just so you know, while I’m writing this I’m listening to cherry wine and imagining you, sitting next to me.
This isn’t the bad missing.
No! It’s the good one.
Good you, good me, oh! The good old us.
I should probably stop.
But I guess I’m in the feels.
I guess I’ve been in the there for quite sometime !

Been a few days now, or was it months? When did we call it quits for the record by the way?
Maybe just since then, I’ve been in the feels.
Cherry wine!
And just like some other couple of days, today (tonight to be precise) is just another day of me acknowledging your bits and pieces in my life.

Acknowledging that you were indeed the best thing that happened to me. Hands down the best.
And since I’m writing all this, I might as well add that I miss you but no.
I won’t say that,

I swore not to.

After the last time, it was dramatic.
I ended up cutting my wrist yet again, of course even after you told me not to, I did.
Guilt does it to you, you know?
I know you do.
I know you do this too.
Bleeding and feeling numb and falling asleep in your own pool of tears.

I know you do. Out of guilt? I don’t know !
And today, maybe apart from the general reminiscing, I want to apologise too.
I swear I was afraid that I’d turn you into me, that I’ll mess you up and that is exactly what I did .
But just so you know, I tried. I tried very, very hard , not to.
But it happened anyway.
So in this broken-written-unsent-ballady-letter,
There are two things that I want to tell you.
1) I miss you.
2) I’m sorry.

***********************************************************************
..1..

I miss you.
I miss you like I miss speaking. I miss you like I miss being full, full of thoughts, full of you.
I miss you.
I miss you like I miss breathing.
I miss you like I miss being your sunshine.
I envy the sun now, or even the moon,
For bringing the smile on your face,
For knowing you better than I do.
He stares at you now,
I miss being your muse.
I miss you and I still think about you.
I miss being missed by someone too.
I miss you, for no one understands my ‘I don’t knows’ better than you do!
I miss you,
I miss smiling too.
I miss lying to you.

I miss lying for you.

I miss lying down with you,
Azure,
I miss you.
I miss dreaming about you,
Or actually I don’t?
I still get nightmares, you are there too.
I miss you, because only you were you; There is no one else like you.
I can’t remember your face, or your deep voice,
Or your musty- kinda rusty smell
Like wood and mist.

No.
What I remember is you.
Things that make you, you.

In my dreams (I like calling them that)
You are a black shadow, thick and dark,
All things you are likely to be.
I like you that way. Maybe that is why I flinch at your sight or at the sound of your deep, deep voice!
But I like you still.
Damn you.
I miss you.
I guess I know what they warn us for?
It really is hard getting over first love, real love.
I miss you.
I make up excuses to talk about you! Stories, small talks, poems they are all about you, everything revolves around you!
Even now when you are gone,
I’m still all about you!
My body might not ever reek of you again
My heart and brain sure do !
See it never really mattered how many places you touched me on the outside,
But you really knew my inside !
I miss your fixture,
I miss you.

I miss being fixed all the time,
Damn I’m mean.
Still, I miss you !

***********************************************************************
..2..

I’m sorry.
I really am.
Sorry for breaking you the way I did.
Sorry for the false promises,
Sorry for letting this happen
Because I knew what I was pulling you in, I’m sorry.
But to be fair, you are pretty screwed up too.
A lot,

even more than me, I suppose.
I’m sorry, I was scared of you.
Sorry, that I couldn’t take your baggage,
Didn’t want to take your baggage!
Im sorry im not as strong as you are.
Sorry, that what you are today, is partly my fault.
I’m sorry I ran. Ran faster, farther and kept running.

But I’m still here and you are continents away.

I’m sorry I couldn’t appreciate all the color while I had it in the palm of my hands.

I’m sorry. Sorry that you carried your heart on the very edge of your sleeves and I? I shook you by the shoulder, made you lose everything.

I’m sorry I shushed the happy words that managed to escape our hearts sometimes.
But mostly, I’m sorry because I brought you to shreds and pieces and tiny bits and I stood there; saw you break.

Sorry. Sorry that I keep reminding you of me, I wanted to disappear, but I ran out of pixie dust and fairies and happy thoughts and I forgot. I gifted you, on our first anniversary, very secretly, all of my happy things, and in your study’s drawer, somewhere in the blue mess, I left my heart to camouflage.

I’m sorry, for not letting you get over me. I’m a selfish thief. Happiness-sucking-selfish-thief. I’m sorry I keep reminding you of me! Of the past! Of the good and I’m sorry! For the hope that I give you by missing you.

I’m sorry but I ran out of courage long ago. I do cry my eyes out..(your lips are pretty)

I’m sorry I made you into another me..(your eyes are fine lines and black paradise)

I’m sorry, you don’t talk, you aren’t fine; probably a mass of fake smiles and dope “I’m over you” signs.

I’m sorry you aren’t healing, but I don’t want to see you healing. I’m sorry I burnt a hole in your heart, a wound the shape of me, a wound burning still, bright red, yellow and green.

Your eyes, deep breaths your eyes.

I hope you are doing fine. I hope you are living, wild, free and alive.

I hope you get my point.

Cheers,

Yours in disguise.

xx

s.